The Incident
by Zoebel
Summary: Hermione looses her temper. !Crackfic. Brat!Harry


**If Harry Potter was mine I would not be working in Fast-food. Thanks muchly to JK for letting us play with her babies.**

"Yeah nah." Harry was lounging on his favourite couch in the Gryffindor common room.

"Yeah nah? _Yeah_ _nah_? What do you mean yeah nah?!" Hermione looked fit to burst a vein.

"Calm your tits woman." Harry was fascinated by the fantastic shade of purple Hermione was turning. This was better than winding up Uncle Vernon.

 _"Calm_ _my_ _tits?!"_ The others backed away slowly. They did not want to get in the middle of this. "You disappear for most of the summer, don't reply to any of our letters. Then you show up to Hogwarts three days late looking like this," she gestured to Harry's new look. "Without your uniform, books or trunk. You haven't gone to a single class since you did bother to show up. Yet somehow you've managed to lose us 500 house points and earn yourself multiple detentions. I ask you nicely to come down to the Great Hall for dinner, to spend time with your friends and _all you can say is YEAH NAH?!"_

"Yup"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Cbf." That seemed to stop her in her tracks. Score: Harry 1, Hermione 0. Bored Harry pulled out his iPhone and started playing Angry Birds.

 _"HARRY JAMES POTTER DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!"_ The entire castle shook with the force of Hermione's shriek. Dust and bits of mortar fell from the walls. Birds took off en masse from the castle, forest and Hogsmeade village. It was weeks before the post owls started returning. Apparently they'd all decided to go to LA and audition for Legend of Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (quite a few got parts and had to stay for filming.)

Hufflepuffs ducked for cover. Literally. They all ducked into the nearest hiding place, deciding that there way not way they were ever coming out. Fortunately with the high percentage of muggle-borns in their house Hufflepuffs had taken on the Boy Scouts theory of always being prepared. These days most Hufflepuffs carried a months worth of supplies just in case. Rounding up all the Hufflepuffs lead to the largest game of hide and seek in the history of Hogwarts, if not the entire magical world. It took the Professors months to find them all. Well you know after they stopped hiding themselves.

Cunning and ambition was substituted by pure survival instincts by the Slytherins. With all the 7th year spontaneously apparating in sync home (absolutely no one was going to tell Hermione that she had made it possible of apparate through Hogwarts wards...survival instincts overtaking the need to gloat about her being wrong.) the younger years used a combination of emergency portkeys, and the floo network to disappear. As a whole, the house decided Draco Malfoy's annoying habit of keeping a ridiculous amount of floo powder in the common room, so that _'his father will hear about this'_ immediately whenever he got his panties in a bunch, was actually a blessing is disguise. He revived a rather large pile of thank you gifts from students who had used the floo to get far, far away.

Ravenclaws in there eternal wisdom decide that today was the day that they would embrace all of Luna Lovegood's crazy theories, especially that one about the crumple horned snorkack. Today was the day that that would head out on an expedition to finally prove said crumple horned snorkack really existed. Grabbing Hagrid on the way out, they quickly explained the perfect opportunity for Care of Magical Creatures extra credit and left post haste.

The Gryffindors lucky enough to be outside the tower decided that today would be a fanatic day to go exploring. Outside. In the Forbidden Forest. (To be perfectly honest today was probably the safest day in the history of the forest to go exploring. The spiders had gone to ground. It was surprising how quickly they managed to retreat into their borrow, sealing off all exits. The Centaurs made themselves scarce "foreseeing" in the clouds that today was an excellent time to start migrating. In some vague general direction that was anywhere but here. Never mind that they'd never done it before- no time like present to start new traditions. Anything else had either spontaneously evolved the power to become invisible or to open portals to other dimensions. Nice dimensions where there where no scary hormonal screaming women.)

The teachers barricaded themselves in their offices. Umbrigde could be found under her desk, rocking back and forth whispering _'this isn't happening, this isn't happening'_. Mcgonagall decided to take an extended vacation, in her animagus form, as the pet cat of a small family in New Zealand. Snape had decided that he was far less scared of the Dark Lord, and that he'd rather enjoy an afternoon in His company. Under the cruciatus curse of necessary. The entirety of the house elf population decided that today would be a fantastic time time to go shopping for anything and everything. (Weeks later Dumbledore would have a heart attack when bills came through.)

Speaking of Dumbledore, he was in China fulfilling his role as the Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, blissful unaware of what was going on in the castle. As he later explained to his staff, _'of course he had left hours before The Incident_ (as it came to be known) _and he honestly had no idea why they were accusing him of abandoning them.'_

Half of ghosts decided that this was the perfect time to go on vacation, visit distant relatives, or the nearest muggle in a pinch. The rest decided that now was a perfect opportunity to Move On to the afterlife, with Professor Binns going so far to track down his grave to salt and burn his bones. Had anyone been witness to this event they would have heard him mutter under his breath _"now they'll have to replace me, can't summon me back this time...not MY problem if no one wants to teach history."_

Tired of Hermione's incessant nagging Harry lazily pulled out his wand.

" _Silencio_ ," Hermione spent a full minute just opening and closing her mouth in shock. The entirety of Gryffindor was doing their best impression of the castle walls. Meanwhile Harry turn his attention back to his phone.

 **I do realise that Harry would have an iPhone in 1995, but let's just pretend yeah?**

 **Oh and if you want more...maybe but I don't really have a plot sooooo open to suggestions.**


End file.
